It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough

What will break me?  What will make me cry in front entire blue team during rounds?  What will make me kick the doctors out?  What will make me physically move away from the gentle touch of a nurse?  What will make me drop the f bomb in front of my own mother?  

Apparently all it takes is for the very kind lady checking Lydia's G-Tube site for granulation tissue to say try not to put her in clothes that are too tight on her belly, maybe just leave the onesie snap open.  I've really kept it together pretty darn well for 10 weeks, but this gets me?  Ah, hell no!  My child will NOT wear a onesie with a snap undone.  I lost it.  Seriously, Kinsley?

The idea of her not being able to wear 2/3 of the newborn to 3 month clothes she has in her closet and I'll end up donating brand new clothes with tags on them that I really wanted to see her in...

The idea of her having to wear her onesies differently because of her G-Tube and her not even being able to wear typical onesies in the hospital because of the cords...

The idea that I've met way too many people, made way too many phone calls and completed way too much paperwork this week...  

The idea that I rocked the trach change myself this morning and want to take her home now and can't...

The idea that I have to have 1 diaper bag, 1 emergency bag, 1 suction machine, 1 apnea monitor, 1 pulse ox monitor and Lydia to haul around in a stroller...

Nope, just the onesie comment.  

I put myself together and proceeded to lose it again with the resident, the discharge nurse, the nurse practitioner, and the cardiologist.  These are all terribly nice people who were understanding and said I had every right to breakdown once in awhile.  I ensured them I was not angry at any one of them and that I was just having a bad day, but they didn't leave me alone so I pretty much told them to get lost.  Mom says I said the f word.  I honestly don't remember, but I bet Mom covered Lydia's ears!  

Then, in true Kinsley fashion, I fixed my face, pulled on my big girl britches, and met a home health care nurse 5 minutes later and was polite and professional the entire time.  I then apologized to everyone I could find on the way out of the hospital.  I really feel awful and might make them all cookies.      

I can do business, I just can't do onesies.  

"In My Daughter's Eyes"

by Martina McBride

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe 
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daugter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes