The Anxious Parts: To know her is to love her

 

The 1st grade school musical program of GLOW: An Earth Day Musical.

Lydia was a butterfly and had a line in the show.  She knew all her songs!

And then the performance happened. 

My sweet girl battled her anxiety and fought back tears while singing through 4 or 5 songs. She went up to deliver her lines and was so good, even though it was through tears.  After that she had a release cry, she had held it together for half the show, delivered her lines and was D.O.N.E.  Mrs. Evans went and got her off the stage and we met her in the nurses office, she just could not go on. 

This is Lydia.  This is who she is.  We try to prepare her, coach her through, pep talk her up.  She has anxiety and I can't solve that for her.  It's hard and it breaks my heart to see her have to push herself so hard to do something that others are enjoying. 

Lydia was the 1st grade winner of the Kindest Kansas Citian Essay Contest.

She nominated our friend and neighbor, Pat.  They are buds.

And then the assembly happened.

My sweet girl battled her anxiety and fought tears leading up to the assembly, during and after.  Coming off the not so high of the musical program, Lydia worried and fretted all week.  She talked to the counselor and us about the assembly.  We made plans to stay in our seats when being recognized so she didn't have to go up in front of the room.  She could hardly let go of Dan or I and barely talked to Pat and Ronda.  We waited for the gym to clear out and Lydia came around for a picture and to show off part of the school to her friend Pat. 

This is Lydia.  This is who she is.  I want with every fiber of my being to egg her on, nudge her to the front, just push her through it.  That is not going to help and is not what is best for.  Dan and I both can talk in front of a crowd, deliver a speech, perform!  It is not for her right now.

Lydia had a Piano Recital on Sunday May 1st.  It would be her first.

Lydia was to perform Rainbow Colors and Do You Want to Build a Snowman. 

And then pink eye and a fever happened.

My sweet girl knows her songs so well and can play them from memory.  She's been practicing for months and knows how to play them beautifully.  Ever since the mention of the word recital and learning what it meant, Lydia has been dreading it.  It took a lot of convincing for her to even try to learn the pieces because she didn't want to play them on stage.  Her teacher coached her, we came up with plans for Lydia to sit next to her teacher, to have her teacher and I on the bench with her.  Once the music program and the assembly happened we were pretty sure we wouldn't be using those tactics.

We were planning to attend the recital and observe the experience for Lydia to learn what it was about and see other kids like her.  Then she got pink eye.  Then came the fever and vomit.  Followed by congestion and fluid in her ears.  You know that story - I've written it more than a dozen times. 

This is Lydia.  This is who she is.  I want you to be able to hear her play the piano.  I want to be able to invite her grandparents to school performances rather than her tell me to just send them the video.  I want her to be excited and confident about showing off her talents.  Comparison helps no one in this situation.  This is Lydia. I love her.

 Lydia's anxiety around these experiences is simply too high.  We aren't letting her have the easy way out.  We are letting her call the shots and give up.  We are responding to her feelings and emotions and answering them with safety and care.  Until you've felt her trembling little body cling to you that tightly in those moments, you may not understand.  That is okay.  That is why I'm writing. 

To know, know, know her
Is to love, love, love her
Just to see her smile
Makes my life worthwhile
Yes, just to know, know, know her
Is to love, love, love her
And I do and I do
And I do